“…But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” -Laura Bush
About 2 years…2 years of timed intercourse, ovulation sticks, an AVA bracelet, and tracking apps. 2 years of monthly sadness, beyond the realm of PMS, every time my period showed up. 2 years of the questions of “when are you going to start a family” or “You don’t want to wait too long”, while advising folks that “we’re working on it!”. 2 years of struggling to believe I had any purpose as a wife, since I couldn’t even seem to get pregnant. 2 years of confusion and hopelessness until a scheduled pap smear. My gynecologist told me that since it has been at least a year without conceiving, she would refer us to a fertility specialist to see if anything was going on and hopefully provide assistance in our journey to conception.
“Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure suicidal thoughts. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure depression. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure PTSD. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure anxiety. But that doesn’t mean Jesus doesn’t offer us companionship and comfort. He ALWAYS does that.” – Jarrid Wilson
September is Suicide Prevention month and we just so happen to have just finished Suicide Prevention Week. So I’m pausing my “What makes marriage Difficult” series to talk about my own struggles with suicide. Although, I’m sure my struggles with suicidal ideation and my actual attempt happening in year 2 of marriage is certainly something that has made marriage difficult.
“Top 15 Things Money Can’t Buy Time. Happiness. Inner Peace. Integrity. Love. Character. Manners. Health. Respect. Morals. Trust. Patience. Class. Common sense. Dignity.”-Roy T. Bennett
…Or at least that’s what my husband thinks lol. The other day, while on a date night, my husband said to me, “When we STRUGGLE, WE struggle”. After multiple times of asking for clarity (b/c repeating the same phrase just doesn’t quite clear thing up lol), he told me that when we are struggling financially, we simultaneously tend to struggle relationally. That notion gave me pause because while I realize our growth and increased connection is mainly due to improved communication/understanding of each other, I couldn’t help but recognize the truth in his statement.
“People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’- that’s intimacy.”-Taylor Jenkins Reid
…Sooo sorry parents, siblings, and whoever else lol
Some of the most common things I’m asked about, regarding marriage from singles, is what makes it difficult? Or Why do people say it’s a struggle? So I decided to do a series on some of the less discussed things that can make marriage super hard and I’m starting with sex (no pun intended). I will be writing from the view of someone with mental health issues, but this still applies for, dare I say, most marriages as these issues can affect anyone AND there are more marriages dealing with mental health issues than we know…
“You have to be transparent so you no longer cast a shadowbut instead let the light pass through you.” -Kamand Kojouri
Disclaimer: “Hi, my name is Dante Moore, the beloved and sometimes wretched husband that you all read about. I’m happy to let you know that my wife and I are beautifully broken people and we both believe that healing comes from seeing the whole picture. That’s why this entry is so important. We thought it was vital that D’ani share the struggles that are occurring to her in real-time, and those that we are also working through – in hopes that someone else would be able to find themselves there. The hope is that you will ultimately know that you are not alone. I stand in full support of all she has chosen to disclose concerning in the blog posting below; after all I did proof-read it lol. So I hope it blesses you as she invites you into her sacred space of communal sharing.”
“I give you this to take with you: Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting.”– Judith Minty
Today I turn 33 years old. April 29, 1986, ya girl entered the world and changed everyone’s life for the better (lol j/k j/k!). This weekend my husband celebrated me since I planned to be with my family in my hometown today. We saw Avengers: EndGame, went to a Marvel exhibit at the Franklin institute, tried Filipino food for the first time, and just spent a lot of quality time together (one of my love languages). During dinner, over some delicious Sisig and Kare Kare, my husband asked me what I planned on doing with my 33rd year of life. Surprisingly, I riddled off a ton of goals I, at some point (maybe subconsciously idk), planned to accomplish this year. I’m guessing the wine had me super talkative but it still felt really nice to have set goals to accomplish for my year. From growing this blog to reach more people and solidifying a tribe, to being more active as well as expanding my entrepreneurial pursuits with my hair and body care line (Ka’Ru Essentials). But the behind all of those goals, the biggest (although unspoken) goal was to get back to the old me.
“Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.” – Rikki Rogers
Last year I stumbled upon a twitter thread of M. Molly Backes (@mollybackes) that gave me the words to something that had been plaguing me intensely & consistently for about 2 years. It was a symptom of the depression and anxiety that was the most difficult to explain and even more so to understand. It was the Impossible Task.
“To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles” – T.F. Hodge
I want to give birth. I haven’t ALWAYS wanted to be a parent, but once I decided I did, it was all I ever, definitively, knew I wanted to do with my life. I got married in 2016 and we decided early on that we would wait until the 2nd year of marriage to “start trying”. I was on the pill and was glad that it was keeping us “on track” and it was helping with my horrible cramps. Once we got to year 2, I was still very depressed and anxious, but found hope in possibly bringing forth life into the world. So I gladly got off the pill and downloaded an app (The Glow app) to track my cycles/ovulation. My gynecologist advised me that it can take up to a year for couples to conceive and to come back after a year of trying if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. My husband’s doctor told him the same thing. Looking back I don’t know why they advise that. Why not check everything out then so you don’t waste a whole year trying when something could potentially be wrong…but I digress.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” – Anais Nin
As of today, I have somehow managed to stay married for 3 years. I tend to not want to think much about anniversaries/milestones because there has been an ominous cloud looming over our marriage ever since “I do”. The other day my husband asked what I had learned during these 3 years. He expressed things he had learned and how he has grown with a gleam in his eye and a pleasant smile on his lips. Meanwhile, I could only think of all the many struggles and problems we’ve encountered over the years. How my truth wouldn’t allow me to agree with his optimistic view of our life together. And how bothered I was that our truths, yet again, didn’t line up. How can he just overlook all the difficulties we’ve struggled through? Must be nice to have the good at the forefront of your mind so often. 🙄