The Purposeless Wife Blog

A Safe Space for Healing Through Transparency

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

While none of these blogs are easy to write, this infertility update has definitely been the most difficult. Mostly because I didn’t want to write it. I didn’t want to write about how truth and reality have joined forces to strangle any semblance of hope within me for over a month. I didn’t want to search for the good/positive/encouraging message in all this. I wanted to ignore it but I just couldn’t shake it from my writer’s mind. On top of this COVID-19 pandemic and talks of Corona babies, even the national holidays were determined to make me feel my feelings regarding our infertility.

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“You see, a conflict always begins with an issue – a difference of opinion, an argument. But by the time it turns into a war, the issue doesn’t matter anymore, because now it’s about one thing and one thing only: how much each side hates the other.” – Neal Shusterman

I’m back guys! So sorry for being absent! Keep reading for insight on some of what has been going on with me, and be sure to follow me on FaceBook and IG where I’ll be sharing some more info on what I’ve been up to 😊

For those who follow me on social media, you know my theme for this year is to fight. And I’ve definitely been fighting a lot so far this year. Unfortunately I engaged in the wrong kind of fighting (arguing) with my husband which resulted in me starting the year off staying with my parents for a week. We had spent so much of our marriage as enemies that the most silly, insignificant reason for an argument brought up a lot of unresolved junk in our marriage that had us both ready to call it quits. It’s unfortunate b/c we had been making such great strides to improve our marriage by learning the best ways to communicate with each other…but it was all for nought….almost…

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“…But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?” -Laura Bush

About 2 years…2 years of timed intercourse, ovulation sticks, an AVA bracelet, and tracking apps. 2 years of monthly sadness, beyond the realm of PMS, every time my period showed up. 2 years of the questions of “when are you going to start a family” or “You don’t want to wait too long”, while advising folks that “we’re working on it!”. 2 years of struggling to believe I had any purpose as a wife, since I couldn’t even seem to get pregnant. 2 years of confusion and hopelessness until a scheduled pap smear. My gynecologist told me that since it has been at least a year without conceiving, she would refer us to a fertility specialist to see if anything was going on and hopefully provide assistance in our journey to conception.

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“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” – Louise Erdrich

Sundays are my least favorite day of the week. It’s the day I wish I could avoid the most. My own version of “Case of the Monday’s”.  And there is only one reason why I feel this way…

It’s because of people in the church. 

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“Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure suicidal thoughts.  Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure depression. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure PTSD. Loving Jesus doesn’t always cure anxiety. But that doesn’t mean Jesus doesn’t offer us companionship and comfort. He ALWAYS does that.” – Jarrid Wilson

September is Suicide Prevention month and we just so happen to have just finished Suicide Prevention Week. So I’m pausing my “What makes marriage Difficult” series to talk about my own struggles with suicide. Although, I’m sure my struggles with suicidal ideation and my actual attempt happening in year 2 of marriage is certainly something that has made marriage difficult.

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“Top 15 Things Money Can’t Buy
Time. Happiness. Inner Peace. Integrity. Love. Character. Manners. Health. Respect. Morals. Trust. Patience. Class. Common sense. Dignity.”
-Roy T. Bennett

…Or at least that’s what my husband thinks lol. The other day, while on a date night, my husband said to me, “When we STRUGGLE, WE struggle”. After multiple times of asking for clarity (b/c repeating the same phrase just doesn’t quite clear thing up lol), he told me that when we are struggling financially, we simultaneously tend to struggle relationally. That notion gave me pause because while I realize our growth and increased connection is mainly due to improved communication/understanding of each other, I couldn’t help but recognize the truth in his statement.

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“People think that intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is ‘you’re safe with me’- that’s intimacy.” -Taylor Jenkins Reid

…Sooo sorry parents, siblings, and whoever else lol

Some of the most common things I’m asked about, regarding marriage from singles, is what makes it difficult? Or Why do people say it’s a struggle? So I decided to do a series on some of the less discussed things that can make marriage super hard and I’m starting with sex (no pun intended). I will be writing from the view of someone with mental health issues, but this still applies for, dare I say, most marriages as these issues can affect anyone AND there are more marriages dealing with mental health issues than we know… 

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“You have to be transparent so you no longer cast a shadow but instead let the light pass through you.” -Kamand Kojouri

Disclaimer: “Hi, my name is Dante Moore, the beloved and sometimes wretched husband that you all read about. I’m happy to let you know that my wife and I are beautifully broken people and we both believe that healing comes from seeing the whole picture. That’s why this entry is so important. We thought it was vital that D’ani share the struggles that are occurring to her in real-time, and those that we are also working through – in hopes that someone else would be able to find themselves there. The hope is that you will ultimately know that you are not alone. I stand in full support of all she has chosen to disclose concerning in the blog posting below; after all I did proof-read it lol. So I hope it blesses you as she invites you into her sacred space of communal sharing.”

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“I give you this to take with you: Nothing remains as it was. If you know this, you can begin again, with pure joy in the uprooting.” – Judith Minty

Today I turn 33 years old. April 29, 1986, ya girl entered the world and changed everyone’s life for the better (lol j/k j/k!). This weekend my husband celebrated me since I planned to be with my family in my hometown today. We saw Avengers: EndGame, went to a Marvel exhibit at the Franklin institute, tried Filipino food for the first time, and just spent a lot of quality time together (one of my love languages). During dinner, over some delicious Sisig and Kare Kare, my husband asked me what I planned on doing with my 33rd year of life. Surprisingly, I riddled off a ton of goals I, at some point (maybe subconsciously idk), planned to accomplish this year. I’m guessing the wine had me super talkative but it still felt really nice to have set goals to accomplish for my year. From growing this blog to reach more people and solidifying a tribe, to being more active as well as expanding my entrepreneurial pursuits with my hair and body care line (Ka’Ru Essentials). But the behind all of those goals, the biggest (although unspoken) goal was to get back to the old me.

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“Strength doesn’t come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn’t.” – Rikki Rogers

Last year I stumbled upon a twitter thread of M. Molly Backes (@mollybackes) that gave me the words to something that had been plaguing me intensely & consistently for about 2 years. It was a symptom of the depression and anxiety that was the most difficult to explain and even more so to understand. It was the Impossible Task.

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