“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
While none of these blogs are easy to write, this infertility update has definitely been the most difficult. Mostly because I didn’t want to write it. I didn’t want to write about how truth and reality have joined forces to strangle any semblance of hope within me for over a month. I didn’t want to search for the good/positive/encouraging message in all this. I wanted to ignore it but I just couldn’t shake it from my writer’s mind. On top of this COVID-19 pandemic and talks of Corona babies, even the national holidays were determined to make me feel my feelings regarding our infertility.
Last month was national infertility awareness month. I kept trying to bring myself to post but I found it super difficult to muster the motivation for it. It’s not that I don’t want to bring awareness to it (I mean that’s literally my thing and the point of this entire blog lol) it’s just that I don’t want to be in that category anymore. I don’t want to have to wear the badge of infertility and posting was just another reminder that we are still one of the 1 in 8 couples. It’s dumb (infertility, not those of us who have experienced, are experiencing it or will experience it). I truly commend those who continue to shed light on this common but super lonely struggle. I absolutely didn’t have it in me this go round.
The week of national infertility awareness was the hardest week for me. I was coming up on my scheduled period time and low and behold, it didn’t show up! The first day it was late I consciously told myself to not get my hopes up, b/c 1 day off (even though I’m almost always exact to the day) really isn’t too off base. But when day 2 of lateness came, my mind started to wander…I just couldn’t fight off the potential excitement of possibility. Annnnnd of course, as soon as I gave in to hope, home girl showed up (smh).
I was devastated. Frustrated. I wanted to give up on trying all together. IUI didn’t work and it was too costly to keep up with (even with insurance). Our last IUI cycle was Nov. 2019 and we decided to take a break from it. The prep process is a lot! There were various medications I had to take, and while the IUI procedure itself is quick and easy, the mental toll of it not working is super taxing on the brain in addition to the stress on the body.
Mother’s Day wasn’t any better. Well I mean, it started off well while we were virtually celebrating our moms and dropping off dinner for our grandmoms, but once I got settled, the weight of what this day means/doesn’t mean for me, hit hard. I acknowledged & embraced the feelings and took a nap as a means of resetting myself…but it’s hard to do that on a day devoted to mothers including those announcing their pregnancies.
Let me just state that I’m no hater. I love seeing people announce and celebrate their pregnancies, childbirth, and motherhood. I love celebrating with them as well! I never want people to feel bad about what is a bonafide blessing. That’s part of the reason why I waited a fews days after Mother’s Day to even post this. But once I’m left with only my thoughts & personal feelings, it’s hard to ignore the pain of an unmet desire. One that isn’t promised to me or guaranteed. I actually wish I could just know if delivering my own baby is in the plan for me. That way I could more patiently wait OR I could stop getting my hopes up. Lately I’ve been teetering between desperately wanting to be pregnant & have a baby to not wanting any at all. But I know that’s just a self preservation tactic my mind implements. It’s just easier to suppress the desire…
But that’s unrealistic and a bit unhealthy in my opinion. I’m big on “feeling your feelings”, so suppressing this will inevitably do more harm than good. It stunts the growth and healing I’ve worked so hard to address. So parts of my method of processing is letting the feelings come, allowing the tears to flow, sharing my struggles and giving CPR to hope. While I don’t want to fully let go of my desire to physically birth children, I do accept that just because I want it, doesn’t mean I am going to get it. That’s just life. There are many things that we may work towards or desire that don’t manifest. And that’s ok, because life can still go on and still have so much value. I read a post on IG that reminded me that I am complete even without a child. My purpose, womanhood, and wifedom isn’t tied up in whether or not I conceive. I am still able to accomplish much, make an impact, and leave a legacy even if it looks differently from what I’d imagined…And that’s the growth I want to cultivate through all of this. Embracing that what I want is valid and important, while also realizing that I am still important and worthwhile if/as life takes different turns.
I want to encourage you to do the same. Whether it’s regarding a dream job/business opportunity, marriage, conceiving a child, or whatever you’re strongly hoping for. Remind yourself that you are whole and have value no matter if it happens or not. Your worth is solely wrapped up in you and don’t you forget it!
Let’s Talk! Can you relate? Are you struggling with a life desire that has yet to happen? How are you handling it? Have you fallen into the trap of tying your worth to it coming to fruition? Let me know in the comments or send me a message on the “Contact” page. You can also follow me on Instagram and Facebook to connect with me there! Thanks for reading!