The Purposeless Wife Blog

A Safe Space for Healing Through Transparency

“Top 15 Things Money Can’t Buy
Time. Happiness. Inner Peace. Integrity. Love. Character. Manners. Health. Respect. Morals. Trust. Patience. Class. Common sense. Dignity.”
-Roy T. Bennett

…Or at least that’s what my husband thinks lol. The other day, while on a date night, my husband said to me, “When we STRUGGLE, WE struggle”. After multiple times of asking for clarity (b/c repeating the same phrase just doesn’t quite clear thing up lol), he told me that when we are struggling financially, we simultaneously tend to struggle relationally. That notion gave me pause because while I realize our growth and increased connection is mainly due to improved communication/understanding of each other, I couldn’t help but recognize the truth in his statement.

Let me give you some perspective. I have almost always had a job. I started working as a Shampoo Technician (not shampoo girl, put some respek on my title lol) at the age of 10 and have held many steady jobs after that. I’ve always been pretty independent and self-reliant and I prided myself on being “blessed to always find a job”. When I got engaged I was working at a job where I had been promoted 3 times in less than 3 years. Basically, I was privileged that employment/lack of money was rarely an issue of mine. And then I got married…everything changed after “I Do”…

I had plans of working in the same field as my last job and hit the ground running to find similar work. I had interviews, most that went extremely well since I fit the exact description of who they were looking for, but for some reason they always went with someone else. Initially, my husband was patient and understanding, assuring me that there was no rush in me finding employment. And I believed him. But the constant rejection started taking its toll on me. 

I felt useless and like a huge burden. I wasn’t able to contribute financially to our home and the simultaneous depression brought a dark cloud over our home and relationship. Every 6 months or so I would find work and you could literally feel the weight lift from our marriage. I would feel so useful and like we were a “normal” married couple. But a month or so in anxiety and panic attacks would cause me to abandon those jobs and I’d wind up right back in states of depression, uselessness, and hopelessness. Back to being a burden…back to being purposeless…

I know I’m not supposed to find purpose in a job, but when you’re so used to being gainfully employed, being independent, and then you start to notice the toll the lack of a job is taking on your husbands view of you, it’s hard to believe that your worth isn’t tied to your vocation. My husband and I had many conversations of me getting back to the workforce and anytime the bank account started to get low, those conversations increased. The pressure was heavy and I felt like there was no way for me to meet expectations, especially since my mental health was waning. And honestly, it just sucked. The strain of feeling as if I had no place to make a budget or speak on finances since in my eyes, it wasn’t my money, was exhausting. Seeing my credit decline because I’m not able to cover expenses I had prior to marriage, declining events or outings because I didn’t want to spend money from an account I wasn’t contributing to, having to hear from others, in various (subtle and not so subtle) ways, that I need to find work, etc. etc. It all made me feel like an unnecessary burden. I could feel my husband resentment of not being able to help him reach the vision we had for our marriage, while I resented him for not understanding. And even that made me feel guilty. How can I resent him when he is literally providing for me?

It wasn’t until about a month ago, that we finally came to an understanding/agreement regarding my employment and role in our marriage. Through many deep and lengthy conversations where we both were vulnerable and transparent, years of therapy, and an agreement on improving our spending habits, we have have reached common ground so that money wouldn’t tear us apart. I am growing to learn that my purpose is not in my vocation. And my husband is learning to be flexible when it comes to the vision of our marriage. Neither of our expectations of our married life has come to fruition thus far, and we’re learning to be ok with that. We are growing and maturing to be who we are purposed to be…together…as a unit. Maybe those old ideals of who we were or who we are supposed to be had to die so that we could finally become who we’re meant to be…

“At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done.
We will be judged by “I was hungry, and you gave me something to eat, I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless, and you took me in.”
-Mother Teresa

Let’s Talk! Can you relate? Do you tend to find your worth in your job/career? When things don’t go as planned financially, how does impact your emotions/mental health? Do you have any questions or other topics you’d like me to highlight? Let me know in the comments or send me a message on the “Contact” page. You can also follow me on Instagram and Facebook using the links on this page and connect with me there! Thanks for reading!

6 thoughts on “What Makes Marriage Difficult? Pt. 2 Money is The Root of All Struggles…

  1. Keisha says:

    Girrllll I can definitely relate to this topic but from a slightly different angle. Having a husband that is an entrepreneur was initially challenging for me because we had a different understanding of priorities. As kids added to the mix those priorities became alot clearer. Although some communication issues arose due to financial stress, by experiencing some things along with much prayer has definitely helped us through. The growth that has taken place thus far i wouldn’t trade. We are truly learning what it means to be ONE.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you brought that up b/c I didn’t even touch on the impact of him being super entrepreneurial and me being more traditional had on our marriage. Now he got me out here diving deep into that world and I’m actually feeling comfortable with it lol. I appreciate you sharing that kids made priorities clearer b/c that has been a concern since people mostly focus on the negative impact kids have on marriages. But I like this perspective that is cleared up some priority issues in a way. This growth process is a trip! But each level we make it to, does make it all worthwhile 😊 Thanks for reading and commenting!

      Like

  2. Devonna says:

    “Maybe those old ideals of who we were or who we are supposed to be had to die so that we could finally become who we’re meant to be…”
    I love this statement!!

    It’s funny how we can envision what we think we’ll be in the future, but we can turn out to be the exact opposite. It can be devastating if we’re not “flexible”. I know I used to underestimate the pressures of finances in past relationships. I used to think that love should prevail and take away the stress of money. But now, even being single, I see how not feeling financially secure can effect so many other areas of my life. I’m glad to hear of y’all new understandings and I hope to apply the mindset of “flexibility” in my own circumstances.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so awesome! Thank you for commenting and reading and being open 🤗🤗🤗 love plays a huge role but these other things, like money, have a huge impact as well and can impact how we feel about ourselves and each other, which in turn affects our “love” for each other, unfortunately. Sigh, this marriage journey ain’t no joke! So much can make it difficult, but when we choose to fight together it makes it sooo worth it!

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  3. Yes D’ani!! My stents without gainful employment have certainly impacted the marriage, my self-esteem and communication! Those were very difficult times! I had to understand that I brought more to the table then some dollars! (Although, those dollars were very important! Lol) How did you dis-associate your worth from your vocation?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Difficult times indeed sis! 😩😩😩 A few things are helping me (because I still have moments where I struggle). One, realizing that what I do in and for the home is super valuable and helpful! I mean some families hire people to do what I can do for our family for free! Lol Also finding purpose in this blog and helping others has given me a sense of worth a part from money! But honestly, the most helpful thing has been my husband removing my worth from my vocation and appreciating that our team dynamic looks different from what he initially envisioned!

      Liked by 1 person

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