The Purposeless Wife Blog

A Safe Space for Healing Through Transparency

Marriage is such a beautiful and sacred union of two souls joined as one. The levels of intimacy are increased to maximum capacity and one of the most exciting/enjoyable ways to connect is sexually with your spouse. It was literally one of the things I was looking forward to most when I got married! One of the most frustrating parts of my mental illnesses is that my libido is now trash. Most days I have absolutely no interest in being intimate (period) and usually the times that I do are when I’m ovulating. My desire to have children seems to outweigh the depression and/or anxiety telling me that I am uninterested in sex with my husband.  Unfortunately, to the detriment of my marriage, that has been the only thing to consistently help me get/stay “in the mood”. Even when successful in expressing to him that I am “ready to go”, it still ends up feeling more like a task that I want completed quickly, than a sacred time of connection with my spouse. 

Various mental health disorders have a huge impact on sex drive, some may increase it while others may decrease it. I ended up with two that can severely decrease and have been struggling with it for the majority of my 3+ years of marriage. Depression causes a loss of desire and enjoyment with sex as well as an ability to even anticipate pleasure. Sometimes I am so locked in to the dark cloud that I can’t even fathom doing anything else, let alone have sex. Additionally, anxiety causes stress hormones to run rampant in the body, which makes it super hard to relax or experience pleasure. There have been times where even if I agreed to sex, inspite of having a desire for it, and literally felt NOTHING during the entire encounter. Those are the most devastating moments because I felt sooo hopeless and broken while simultaneously feeling as if I let my husband down/failed as a wife. It’s truly heartbreaking.

While my husband doesn’t force me to have sex, it’s hard seeing how let down he is when desiring to be intimate with me and I find myself unable to meet him in that moment. I can feel the rift in our connection with every “no, not now” or “I’m just not in the mood”…And it scared me. Women are taught to always be sure to satisfy their man or (say it with me ladies) another woman would. The blame for the man “straying away” would be on the woman not putting out enough. The pressure of having to always be “ready” when tired, or sick, or simply not in the mood is already bad enough, but it is increased 100 fold when it’s difficult to explain that you legit have no desire whatsoever, and you don’t know when/if you will again…

Thankfully, I am privileged to have a husband who is striving to understand my mental health struggles more and is growing in his patience towards my issues, specifically when it comes to sexual desire.  I am also in a space now where I have accepted that what my husband “might do” is not on me but on him. Our commitment to each other included for better or for worse, as well as in sickness and in health, so I can’t get worked up over him possibly stepping out as that would have to be between him and God. ***Please note, he has not given me any indication that he wants to step out or has stepped out on our marriage lol*** I just need to continue focusing on healing while also continuing to communicate with him and agreeing on compromises that will keep us connected and help reignite my spark.

“I wonder if this is how people always get close: They heal each other’s wounds; they repair the broken skin.” -Lauren Oliver

Let’s Talk! Can you relate? I know this may be a more touchy subject to share on, but did this provide any insight to struggles marriages face? Do you have any questions or other topics you’d like me to highlight? Let me know in the comments or send me a message on the “Contact” page. You can also follow me on Instagram and Facebook using the links on this page and connect with me there! Thanks for reading!

4 thoughts on “What Makes Marriage Difficult? Pt. 1 This blog is about SEX…

  1. Devonna says:

    I’m too single for this!!! (covers eyes, but peeks through) Lol, j/k

    Seriously, this was so REAL!!!!! I’m so grateful for your honesty because I know it’s helping people that don’t feel they have the space to openly talk about sex in their marriage. Annnd it helps bring a healthy dose of reality to those (single and married) who have certain expectations for marriage.

    My sister, you are bold, selfless and amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 that first line tho! Lol!! But yes! That’s my hope! Thank you for your encouragement and support! 😊😊😊😊

      Like

  2. Elaine says:

    Sweet big sister,God will totally heal you because you seek healing. I pray this will strengthen the connection you both have with God and each other. I have found that in the worst of times , still creating an intimate vulnerable space (not sex) allowed for healing to manifest quicker. Sometimes it even unexpectedly then led to the actual thing.
    Keep doing things together and surround yourselves with women and men of God who can love you both and support where you both are. Ain’t it truly crazy that the more we hurt… the more we want to be isolated? Seriously a plan from the enemy.
    You are loved, brave and oh so beautiful! This too will pass! You will see the Glory of the Lord in the land of the living!
    Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Amen! Thank you for your encouragement sis! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾🤗🤗🤗 And that’s exactly why I’m choosing to be transparent! I’ve done the isolation thing and it just made everything worse. I’m going full throttle in the other direction and it’s already made such a huge difference in my life! Love you so much sis and thank you for reading!!

      Like

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