“To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles” – T.F. Hodge
I want to give birth. I haven’t ALWAYS wanted to be a parent, but once I decided I did, it was all I ever, definitively, knew I wanted to do with my life. I got married in 2016 and we decided early on that we would wait until the 2nd year of marriage to “start trying”. I was on the pill and was glad that it was keeping us “on track” and it was helping with my horrible cramps. Once we got to year 2, I was still very depressed and anxious, but found hope in possibly bringing forth life into the world. So I gladly got off the pill and downloaded an app (The Glow app) to track my cycles/ovulation. My gynecologist advised me that it can take up to a year for couples to conceive and to come back after a year of trying if I hadn’t gotten pregnant. My husband’s doctor told him the same thing. Looking back I don’t know why they advise that. Why not check everything out then so you don’t waste a whole year trying when something could potentially be wrong…but I digress.
The first few months were exciting because we were thrilled about this possibility of expanding our family. But after a few months of still getting my period, (even though sometimes late and often times prefaced with nausea…rude right?), doubt began to settle in. What if I can’t get pregnant? What if God doesn’t want us to bring forth a life that potentially has my struggles and hang ups? Should a woman with depression and anxiety even have children? My sex drive completely vanished. I literally had no desire to even touch or be touched by my husband most days. I could only bear it when I knew I was ovulating since that became the only desire I could recognize. But that made my husband shrink back because he felt like a tool, like he was being used, like he wasn’t desired. And he wasn’t….but him not “putting out” when I needed him to, made me angry and caused me to desire him even less, if that was even possible. But I still wanted a baby.
In preparing myself for pregnancy/childbirth, I stumbled across becoming a doula. Since I wasn’t working and anxiety had a hold on my ability to find peace at a 9 to 5, I figured this would be a perfect career path to embark on. I felt awakened and passionate about this vocation and couldn’t wait to sign up for certification courses to start me on my path. I was so motivated that I signed up for 5 different certification courses at once. I was able to sign up and buy all the books needed. I felt like I had a purpose……and anxiety snatched it yet again. I started to doubt my ability to be successful or even helpful in this role. My mind kept telling me that I would be useless because I’ve never conceived and given birth. Reminding me that for all I know, I am barren and would never experience that, so there was no point in continuing this venture….
These thoughts put me in another dark hole of depression and was part of the reason why I made an attempt on my life. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t study, I couldn’t help people, I couldn’t even conceive. No one needed me, so what was the point?
Thankfully, I was blessed with people who started to rally around/check on me. Then God started bringing people into my life who struggled with the same or similar issues. Even opened my eyes to groups on facebook of women struggling to conceive and even struggling to complete their doula certifications. I didn’t feel so alone, and began to regain hope that there is use for me in this world…..
I am still struggling to get back to my doula work. It’s crazy because people have been asking me about my progress because they want to utilize my services or share me with someone they know. It sucks not being ready yet after 2 years, but I’m choosing to focus on the fact that others believe in me even when I am unable to believe in myself.
I’m also embarking on a fertility journey. I’ll be incorporating more foods/herbs that are said to aid in conception and will also be working on shedding some pounds since that can also be an inhibitor. I haven’t been back to the Gynecologist yet, but have an appointment coming up soon so that I can see if there is anything specific going on in my body that I’m not aware of. I’ll be sure to share what I am doing and of course will share if anything works. If you have any suggestions I am certainly open so please share them with me!
Let’s talk…Can you relate? Do you have any similar experiences or suggestions? Let me know in the comments or send me a message on the “Contact” page! Thanks for reading!